Managing conflict for caregivers

Conflict is part of human relationships. If there is conflict it doesn’t mean something is wrong with the relationship. Some conflicts are never resolved but compromises are reached, such as around digital media use and household chores. Adolescence is a period of massive change. There is puberty, brain development, moral development, social chaos and a biological need to identify as an entity separate from parents. Conflict management skills are essential for teenagers as they navigate their social interactions and relationships. As parents, you play a crucial role in helping your teenagers to develop these skills. Here are some practical tips and strategies:

• Take the pressure off yourself! Just as there are no perfect teenagers, there are no perfect parents. You will make mistakes, and your teens can learn from them if you admit it and move on.

• Remember that conflict is normal and a part of the family’s development. Try to see conflict as a means of learning and re-negotiating the relationship you have with your teen.

• All emotions are valid. Don’t minimise your teen’s anger, try and respect all of their feelings.

• Avoid being reactive if conflict escalates. Be aware that anger spreads and stress is contagious so try to remain calm if possible. Practice “the pause”, take a step back and count slowly to ten, take a walk or go for a drive when you feel the situation isn’t going anywhere and you are feeling stressed and uptight.

• Set family rules for communication. Ensure an equal and fair playing field. Establish guidelines and expectations for respectful communication and boundaries between family members. Give everyone a chance to voice an opinion without interruption.  Some boundaries are negotiable and some are not.

• Teenagers are striving for independence. Asserting their own voice may be done clumsily or hurtfully and therefore not well received by a parent. Teen brains are still developing and they often won’t recognise obvious risks and consequences. Reflecting on your own adolescence may be helpful.

• You are the role model for healthy conflict resolution and practice active listening with empathy. Teens and children will look to you for guidance. Respecting their opinions and views is important. So, listen actively and hear them out and think about your response – is it going to inflame a situation already escalating.   If you lose it and react badly – saying sorry is important. It models for your teen an important part of repairing relationships. Demonstrate a calm body, calm face and moderation in your reaction no matter how you may be feeling inside.

• Don’t sweat the small stuff and choose your battles. Demonstrate healthy conflict management in your interactions with others. Stay calm, listen actively, and focus on the issue at hand. Minor issues can be handled in a flexible way. Carefully consider the issues and prioritise issues if there is a safety or danger concern.

• Be aware of the signs and symptoms of stress for you. Listen to your body, make time for relaxation, take a break, exercise etc. Your self-care routine will be quietly observed by your children and may help them to regulate in healthy ways.

• You have run out of ideas or need support. Consider talking to other parents of teens, joining a parenting group, or talking to a counsellor.

 Remember that conflict management is a lifelong skill. By nurturing these abilities in your teenager, you empower them to build healthier relationships, manage emotions, and navigate life's challenges with resilience and empathy

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